I read somewhere that God commands us to “Fear not” 365 times in the Bible. Guess He knew we would need to be told every day.
So true. So I’m working on LETTING GO of my fears. Fear of relationships ending. Fear of being alone. Fear of having no friends. Fear of leaving the old, comfortable familiar behind and moving toward the new unknown territory.
So, I’m beginning to distance myself from some people and remove some things in my life that are keeping me trapped in those fears and stuck in a pit. It’s not easy. In fact, it’s downright PAINFUL. But I know now that to heal, I have to leave the old behind move forward to discover the new.
It doesn’t mean I don’t still care about those people. But it does mean that I’ve realized some of the relationships I was clinging to had become toxic – probably in both directions – and I need to create boundaries so I can get healthy mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Maybe those relationships will be rebuilt in a healthy way at some point. I’m praying they will be. But right now, in this time, I have to create distance between myself and people from whom I expected too much or needed things they were unwilling or unable to give. I can’t expect people to fill the void inside of me that is reserved for God alone.
When you are grieving any kind of loss, you are always wearing your emotions on your sleeve, and the only way to keep them from consuming you is to remove yourself from people and situations that push your buttons in negative ways. Some of these people, frankly, won’t – and have already shown they don’t – care that I am no longer a part of their lives right now. Others will be offended, name call, and happily play the victim. They will never understand that it isn’t ABOUT THEM. It’s about no longer allowing my emotions to control my attitude.
I’ve learned that time spent worrying about what other people are thinking and doing is wasted time. Time spent focusing on God’s thoughts and actions will bring healing, restoration, and confidence. I’m learning that when I focus COMPLETELY on Him, I stop worrying about what other people are doing (or not doing) and why they are doing it (or not doing it).
Right now, in this moment, when things I thought were solid and unshakable and permanent in my life have disappeared (again), I have two choices. I can take the easy road, trying to recapture the past by any means necessary. Begging. Pleading. Moping. Nagging. Chastising. Promising I’ll change into what THEY need. Enabling the sin of others to continue by taking the blame for problems. Allowing others to determine my level of closeness with God. Losing myself in the process. But I’ve tried that road twice before already. I ended up right back where I started both times. Right where I find myself once again.
Or I can take the hard road, forgetting what is behind and reaching toward what is ahead, release others and all the junk I’ve been holding onto, let God deal with it, and solely focus on allowing Him change ME into what HE wants me to be.
This time I am dumping ALL my garbage at the foot of the cross. And I am not going to pick it back up again. I will unclench my fists, let it all go, forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead. God can sort through it for me, toss out what He doesn’t want to remain, and restore to me what – if anything – that He does. Either way I will be okay with it. More importantly, I will be okay. Because I know now – I mean REALLY, TRULY get it now – that He is the only solid, unshakable, permanent thing in my life.
And He’s more than just enough.