Over the past 10 months, I have been journaling my journey with God through divorce, heartbreak, and recovery on my blog. I have learned a lot in the process, both about myself, my (soon-to-be) former spouse, my friends (both current and former), relationships in general, and – most importantly – my relationship with God.
In working through the initial aftermath, I was drawn to the book of Job, as well as these devotional books:
- Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
- Praying God’s Word Day-by-Day by Beth Moore
- Streams in the Desert by L. B. Cowman
I felt like I could pick up any – if not all – of those books on a daily basis and hear God speaking directly to my heart. And I blogged constantly as a way to get those truths inside of my own head and remind myself of who I was and who He was.
Since about the first of the year, however, I haven’t been blogging as often. Lack of time has been one major factor. But this morning I realized – as I was reading in a couple of the above devos – that I was no longer nodding my head and saying to myself “That is SO true. I believe that you can heal me like that.” Instead, I was nodding my head and saying to myself “That is SO true. THANK YOU for healing me like that.”
I need to look for some new reading material to reflect my newly discovered state of mind and spirit.
I’ve seen people who go through unwanted divorces that can NEVER get over it. They walk around carrying guilt and shame – often laid on them by other “Christians” – and those things don’t belong to them. The fact that the other party involved doesn’t own up to his part and his sin doesn’t mean that it’s my responsibility to do so for him. Those things belong to him, and him alone.
It doesn’t mean that I was perfect or didn’t make mistakes, but I was willing to own up to those things and put in the effort needed to make a marriage work. He wasn’t. And that is, again, neither my fault nor my responsibility.
I will not allow the actions and sins of my former spouse to hold me captive or define who I am. God defines me. Period.
This past week – after almost a year – a court date was FINALLY set to finalize my divorce. And that date is two days before what would have been my 17th wedding anniversary. In roughly a couple hours on a Thursday morning, my marriage will end almost exactly 17 years to the day on which it began.
And I can unashamedly say that I. AM. OKAY. WITH. THAT.
Not because I ever wanted it, but because I know that God knew what was coming, and that He allowed it, and that it will – and has already been – ultimately for my good and His glory. He will restore the years the locusts have eaten. He does have plans to prosper me and not to harm me. He will never leave me or forsake me. And He has given me a glimpse of what can be.
I realize that I AM COMPLETELY READY FOR MY NEW BEGINNING.
In fact, I can’t wait.